Thursday, Dec. 23, 2004
maybe you settled for second best because i dont feel like first prize
today i am seriously doubting my ability as a human being to comprehend myself let alone other people.
i have no idea why i sat this evening & cried into my pillow for half an hour, or why it hurt so much to say the words i couldnt sat, i'm emotionally defunct is my conclusion, the fucking funny thing is that neither of us can even mention names that hang in the air like lead balloons, they're sugar coated, coded, refered to by sex not by their STUPID FUCKING NAMES and i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate them i hate them i fucking hate them
& its not you, being them, so dont flatter your pretty little selves. its the codes & the fact that i cant say those fucking FOUR and FIVE letter names that have screwed my emotional intelligence up so much that i have to bite my lip to pieces before i can even let the fucking CODENAME out of my mouth
i have visions in the middle of the night while im sat alone, or in the middle of a conversation that doesn't seem to fit with my capacity as a person, that maybe it should be said to someone else, someone who understands, someone who cares, someone who gets it more than me, someone who defines themselves & claims they know more that i do about certain things, someone who gets a fucking KICK out of screwing people over
they were right, they were right, they were right, they were right, they were right, they were right, they were right, they were right, they were right, they were right, they were right
YOU WERE ALL MORE FUCKING TROUBLE THAT YOU WERE WORTH
feeding me lies, telling me this, telling me that, wanting to be friends because all you wanted was a piece of someone i knews ASS lets be friends or lets go out or you'll be back together or we didnt mean to hurt you or we didnt do this on purpose or nothing happened...
HOW FUCKING STUPID AM I?
& i dont even know where all this anger has come from. all this hate, all this desire to scream & shout & tell people to drop dead... dont take it personal, like.
also, fuck christmas up the ass
thissidedown at 7:35 pm