Friday, Dec. 03, 2004
razor blades & the rules of attraction & suicide presentation & what i should have prepared for earlier...
my eyes are tired & i have a presentation to prepare that i should have prepared for a long time week ago. i'm cold but i have a jumper & a vest & a scarf on. i'm playing music & i have my tv sound on as well. its on permanently these days. company. i have spoken to two people today. nic and the lady in the shop. yet i hear flatmates walking around the house. but i dont care. i dont care. i dont care. i dont like them.
this is where i am going to live in a while instead of this little prison block of fuck holes & dope smokers & drunkards & folk that dont get that ringing the bell at 5 in the morning is a stupid idea & people who like to set the fire alarm off for funn & people who seem to think my food is their food & who think that it's fine to stand on my post.
nics coming over this evening & i'm in desperate need of a hug & a kiss & some love, havent been home for a week & these four walls of boredom are starting to get to me, suicide carpark is lit up in the dark & i saw police men looking over the edge, perhaps they were thinking about jumping. jumping. jumping. jumping. end.
the blood from the lady who jumped off in september is still on the motorway. its just sat there. stained. her body in its grave but her fluid on the road. constantly being run over by uncaring cars & lorries & trucks & ambulances going to save someone elses life, just like they failed to save hers.
i watched 'rules of attraction' last night. & i was planning going to the self-harm group this afternoon. but i couldnt face it. the image of a girl lying in bloody water with candles around is etched on my mind. that was enough of a trigger. i dont think i'd be able to sit around with other people who wrip themselves to shreds.
saying that, i havent picked up a razor blade since the end of january. just like i havent had a drink. i have my nicotine though.
my eyes are still tired & i still have to prepare for a presentation that i should have prepared a long time week ago. it was all a ramble but the thoughts are out & not going round & round & round like it was before.
thissidedown at 4:54 pm